do not trust groupon
if you see an offer that you usually wouldn’t do or think you will try because of the ‘great’ deal they are offering you. i can offer you one word of advice.
i said yes and this resulted in me power walking/trying to run in a maxi dress around hyde park with a face that was the colour of aged dark wood
yes i can laugh about it now. now im home safe and the curtains are drawn. but during those tortuous 20 minutes or so it was horrible. possibly one of the most embarrassing things ive ever done
so lets go back 3 hours
i booked a deal on groupon to get a fake bake tan done at the hilton on park lane for £10 which also came with a free glass of bubbly. with my birthday party tomorrow night i thought this would be a perfect pampering session that would leave me lovely and bronzed for my party the next day
i arrived a little flustered and late after parking in the wrong car park (but which luckily let me avoid the congestion charge zone) and then was met with the horror of a paper thong. god i forgot how bad these things were. i was sprayed, left rather drippy, told to dry, told i was dry and that i could get dressed and leave
as i was getting dressed i noticed a fair few drip stains and then figured i would check my face just in case before i braved it outside
there i was. the same colour as the walls. im not orange oh no not orange at all. im black. antiqued furnite. yep thats me. deep mahogany? you got it right. knowing i had to walk through the reception of the hilton and through hyde park to get back to my car i did the only thing that anyone could do it that situation
resorted to twitter
and here is my drama unfolding tweet by tweet
if the groupon deal to get a spray tan done at the Hilton on park lane seems like its a good idea. it’s not
currently waking around London bright orange and patchy! trying to keep my head low and run to my car
I can’t make eye contact at anyone. oh god this is terrible!!
if you never hear from me again it’s because I’ve died from embarrassment
and I smell like fucking biscuits. but not in the good way in the im covered in fake tan way
this is the time I wish I was magic so I could click my fingers like Sabrina and be home
I would worry why everyone is avoiding me and laughing but if I saw me right now I would
I might as well be walking around in the paper thong #getmehomenow
OMG im the same colour as the autumn leaves!!!
though saying that if I’m not brown when I wash this off tomorrow I will be mad
WHY did I just look at myself in the phone camera?! the sight scared myself!!!
oh lordy I look worse then David Dickinson and that gay orange man put together
NO TOUR BUS!!
someone wrap up my bright orange self and take me away please oh please
I know I’m balsy but even I can’t handle this many stares
LONDON WHY MUST YOU BE SO BUSY?!?
I’m tweeting away the pain. no one can see me if I’m tweeting. no one. it’s going to be okay. WAHHH
can’t. find. the entrance. to. the car park. going. to have. a. panic attack
okay now I can’t find the pedestrian entrance to the car park. I’m walking back on myself looking even mader and still orange
no point crying cos then I’ll go streaky :(
at my car THABK GOD
fuck you groupon
lets all say a prayer for the morning